Your Dog Does Not Understand You

Since my previous post generated some good controversy, I'd thought I'd try to win people back over by ripping on dogs.

Not dogs, really, dog owners. I like dogs. I like cats better, which I know is a very endearing quality. I like cats better because they seem pretty pissed off most of the time, which probably has something to do with the fact they've gone from being worshiped in ancient Egypt to having to pee in a sandbox next to the water heater.

Dogs are great, too. Loyal, earnest, playful, all that stuff. But dog owners baffle me, because no matter how much evidence they're presented with that their beloved pet does not understand anything they're saying beyond simple commands, they continue to talk to Fito like a human being.

My ornery neighbor when I was a kid, Estel Brockus, had a small yippy canine named Judd, who would bark at the air and scare the crud out of school kids walking down the alley. "Judd, stop that! Judd! JUDD!!" Didn't work.

I know people who have dogs that are clearly out of control... jumping on people when they walk in the door, trying to steal their food, barking over conversation. They talk to the dog in a rational way, and nothing changes. I sit there and think, "Why don't you simply remove the dog from the situation?"

Two hours later, they finally do. "Okay, Barkley, you're going outside!" (Brilliant idea!)

And the thing is, the longer people have had their dogs, the more likely they are to do this, and I guess this is the part that really does baffle me. The more you know someone, the more you should know about who they are, what they respond to and how they behave. Not with dogs.

Cats are different. Oh, they understand what you're saying. They just don't care. But at least we have an understanding.