Online River Is the Worst Company in the World

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This logo is for a company called Online River. Online River is the worst company in the world.

Two months ago, I decided to start my own business. I decided to call it Conk Creative. I thought my logo should include a "CC" in a circle. Better yet, I would get a custom "c" hole punch. I could use this hole punch to punch the CC into everything I hand to clients... business cards, presentations, even invoices. It would be my Nike swoosh. It would be cool.

I went online to buy a custom "c" hole punch. I found one at Online River. What I didn't know is that Online River is the worst company in the world.

The note with my order said that shipping takes one week... "up to four weeks for custom orders." Is a c-punch a custom order? That seemed odd. I'm sure these punches are manufactured in China, and there are probably 500 pallets of them sitting on a dock in Long Beach. Still, I waited patiently to receive my custom "c" hole punch. Because I didn't yet realize that Online River is the worst company in the world.

I waited to design my logo, because I would need to know the exact font of the "c." I waited to have my business card designed, because I would have to test the actual hole punch to determine the size of the logo. I would also need the actual punch to help determine the right thickness and quality of the paper. I couldn't have any cracking. All of this delayed the development of my website. Because I didn't yet realize that Online River is the worst company in the world.

At the four week point, I called Online River, the worst company in the world. It was after hours, so I left a message for a sales representative. Online River said it would call back. No one called.

I called during regular hours and got a man whose voice sounded exactly like NBC weekend news anchor Lester Holt. He was friendly. He took my name, zip code and phone number. I waited for him to tell me when to expect my custom "c" hole punch. Instead, he said, "I'll give this information to the lady who normally handles these things."

The Lady Who Normally Handles These Things never called me. Because Online River is the worst company in the world.

I called again and got placed into Online River (the worst company in the world)'s hold machine. I listened to classical music. I think it was Verdi. Alternating male and female voices interrupted Verdi to tell me how important my phone call was to Online River, the worst company in the world. After five minutes, the music started to sputter in and out. Then the system hung up on me. A violin is soothing. A dial tone is not.

Online River is the worst company in the world. Or, to put it differently, Online River is the world's worst company. Have you ever wondered what the worst company in the world is? I'll tell you. It's Online River.

A day later, I called Online River again. After another 10 minutes of holding, I pressed "1" to leave a message. I considered mentioning my lawyer. Someone picked up. I think it was Lester again. He asked for my name, zip code and phone number. He never asked for my tracking number. He sounded like he was sitting in a room of three people in South Jersey. Lester put me on hold. I listened to classical music. I think it was Handel. I grew excited to finally receive some information on the whereabouts of my custom "c" hole punch.

Handel went away. I went straight into someone's voicemail. A woman's voicemail. Her last name was Furio. That's close to furious. I told Ms. Furio that I was furious. I told her that I've been waiting five weeks for one custom "c" hole punch. I told her that she has $75 of my money. I told her that I've called six times just to receive a status on my order. And that I have never received a status on my order.

It occurred to me later that I should have told Ms. Furio one more thing:

That Online River is the worst company in the world.

ADDENDUM TO THIS POST: Yesterday, I received my hole punch. It only took 10 weeks.