Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Online River Is the Worst Company in the World


NOTE: This post is optimized for search engine results.

This logo is for a company called Online River. Online River is the worst company in the world.

Two months ago, I decided to start my own business. I decided to call it Conk Creative. I thought my logo should include a "CC" in a circle. Better yet, I would get a custom "c" hole punch. I could use this hole punch to punch the CC into everything I hand to clients... business cards, presentations, even invoices. It would be my Nike swoosh. It would be cool.

I went online to buy a custom "c" hole punch. I found one at Online River. What I didn't know is that Online River is the worst company in the world.

The note with my order said that shipping takes one week... "up to four weeks for custom orders." Is a c-punch a custom order? That seemed odd. I'm sure these punches are manufactured in China, and there are probably 500 pallets of them sitting on a dock in Long Beach. Still, I waited patiently to receive my custom "c" hole punch. Because I didn't yet realize that Online River is the worst company in the world.

I waited to design my logo, because I would need to know the exact font of the "c." I waited to have my business card designed, because I would have to test the actual hole punch to determine the size of the logo. I would also need the actual punch to help determine the right thickness and quality of the paper. I couldn't have any cracking. All of this delayed the development of my website. Because I didn't yet realize that Online River is the worst company in the world.

At the four week point, I called Online River, the worst company in the world. It was after hours, so I left a message for a sales representative. Online River said it would call back. No one called.

I called during regular hours and got a man whose voice sounded exactly like NBC weekend news anchor Lester Holt. He was friendly. He took my name, zip code and phone number. I waited for him to tell me when to expect my custom "c" hole punch. Instead, he said, "I'll give this information to the lady who normally handles these things."

The Lady Who Normally Handles These Things never called me. Because Online River is the worst company in the world.

I called again and got placed into Online River (the worst company in the world)'s hold machine. I listened to classical music. I think it was Verdi. Alternating male and female voices interrupted Verdi to tell me how important my phone call was to Online River, the worst company in the world. After five minutes, the music started to sputter in and out. Then the system hung up on me. A violin is soothing. A dial tone is not.

Online River is the worst company in the world. Or, to put it differently, Online River is the world's worst company. Have you ever wondered what the worst company in the world is? I'll tell you. It's Online River.

A day later, I called Online River again. After another 10 minutes of holding, I pressed "1" to leave a message. I considered mentioning my lawyer. Someone picked up. I think it was Lester again. He asked for my name, zip code and phone number. He never asked for my tracking number. He sounded like he was sitting in a room of three people in South Jersey. Lester put me on hold. I listened to classical music. I think it was Handel. I grew excited to finally receive some information on the whereabouts of my custom "c" hole punch.

Handel went away. I went straight into someone's voicemail. A woman's voicemail. Her last name was Furio. That's close to furious. I told Ms. Furio that I was furious. I told her that I've been waiting five weeks for one custom "c" hole punch. I told her that she has $75 of my money. I told her that I've called six times just to receive a status on my order. And that I have never received a status on my order.

It occurred to me later that I should have told Ms. Furio one more thing:

That Online River is the worst company in the world.

ADDENDUM TO THIS POST: Yesterday, I received my hole punch. It only took 10 weeks.

53 comments:

Ted said...

You know I had heard that Online River is the worst company in the world... Online River is the worst company in the world... Online River is the worst company in the world... Online River is the worst company in the world... Online River is the worst company in the world... Sorry. Sometimes my keyboard does the whole record skip thing and just repeats the last sentence I wrote, which happened to be Online River is the worst company in the world.

Search Engine Optimized!

m.f. said...

I think this technically qualifies as a "screed."
Or perhaps it's a "rant."
I do know it's definitely not a "jag."

Bill1128 said...

The Moral of this story is to never base your company's future on a hole punch
Lead Singer/Bassist

Marc Conklin said...

You are correct. Marc Conklin is the worst person in the world.

Marc Conklin said...

Update on this item: I did receive a follow-up call and voicemail from Online River: "Your order hasn't been manufactured yet. Give it another week or so."

It's the "or so" that I loved the most. Only the worst company in the world adds the "or so."

Brady said...

I always felt the custom hole punch was an interim solution at best. I think Online river, the worst company in the world, actually did you a favor!

Vegas Gopher said...

Hell hath no fury like a blogger scorned.

Anonymous said...

This is On-line River calling. Was there a problem? According to our records you ordered 9 dozen fountain pen nibs and assorted rubberized finger tips. They were delivered to a donut shop in upstate New York per your specific instructions. If this is incorrect please blow it out your nether regions 'cause you clearly have us confused w/a company that gives a rip. OG OLR y'all. That's how WE roll.

DK

Anonymous said...

Never trust a company that stacks gang signs as part of its corporate culture.

Anonymous said...

I'm in the middle of my own dealings with, "The Worst Company in the World". Or was it "The World's Worst Company."

However you say it you are completely correct!!!!!!

My item is much more expensive!!!

If you do sue please post!

I HATE ONLINE RIVER!

Anonymous said...

I agree with your comments about ONLINE RIVER being the worst company in the world. Its not because online river is the worst company that does custom hole punches. Which is what I also ordered. After being put on hold and being told "No one is here at this hour" (at 3pm) I wondered how short of days do these people actually work? I am on week 9 on waiting for my hole punch. I left my second message and will see if anyone calls me back. Online river is the worst company in the world? I am waiting to see. It might just be that Online river is the most incompetant company in the world. I think that could be their new tag line for their website. Online river is no longer the worst company in the world. Now Online river is the most incompetant company in the world. That sounds much better.

Anonymous said...

13 weeks to get my custom hole punch that was manufactured in FL.
Online River the worst company in the world. Dont know. At least it arrived. Worst company at returning phone calls or emails. Not one time did I get a call returned or email. Not one. Online River IS the worst company in the World. Well maybe just the worst company in the USA. You ever get the impression its one guy sitting in his parents basement running this thing? This is now the highest Google result when you search "Online River is the worst company in the world". Interesting. Which I searched it first.

Chris said...

any advice on how to deal with the worst company in the world??? ...it's been seven weeks since i placed an order and i've gotten no response when i've called the company or emailed them

Marc Conklin said...

Unfortunately, I don't. I called them several times, and only got a human about 50 percent of the time. No real customer service system, just the old, "give me your name and number and I'll have someone call you" routine, which they never did. I can say, however, that I finally did get my order about a week after leaving a particularly harsh voice mail.

lvroth said...

OMG! If only I had read this BEFORE I ordered a punch online. I thought I was reading my story. This company (or guy in parents basement) should not be allowed to function on the internet. Any suggestions on how to report him or get my money refunded?

Marc Conklin said...

Sorry, I wish I had better advice. I waited and waited and finally got the punch after about half a dozen phone calls. Sorry you had to experience the same thing.

Anonymous said...

I too agree Online River is the worst company I have ever dealt with. I ordered a hole punch in September 2008 that never came after repeated promises. I asked for a refund and the only way I got it was to file a claim with the BBB in Connecticut two weeks ago. I gave up on their horrible voice mail phone and started sending emails. Today 1/26/2008 I got the refund. Today I was looking for somewhere to post a review that others would see and I found this place. I wish I had seen your comments before I ordered the hole punch. My advice is to file complaints with the BBB so this company is officially on their bad list. The BBB gives them an F right now.

Anonymous said...

Hi, this is anonymous again. Here is something else the rest of you can do. Go to white pages.com and key in Online River. Their business comes up and gives you a place to write a review. I just wrote one and gave them ONE star because there were not any lower stars!!!

colored balls in chat said...

Still waiting for my 4 hole punches. Ordered on Christmas day. They NEVER answer their phone or return calls. Drives me crazy. Yes, they are the WORST COMPANY IN THE WORLD!!!!

Anonymous said...

I solved the problem! Cancelled payment on my credit card and went directly to the US manufacturer of Quality Hole punches@ www.ticketpunch.com. Bought it for less and had it a few days later

Anonymous said...

This company is a scam front. Exact same issue. Never spoke to a real person directly, had to leave my contact info and wait for a call back. Took my order and payment info and them I never heard back from them. Endless circles on their voicemail system. Ended up contacting credit card company and filing a complaint.

Anonymous said...

Yes I agree, I have been waiting for 8 weeks for a "in-stock" hole punch. I wish I had found your website before I ordered from this company. I called AMEX and they said they would open an investigation regarding this dispute. They told me they would do their best to contact them. My answer was "GOOD LUCK."

KMG said...

I am now a little over five weeks out. Reading the comments here, with the cumulative three hours on hold and several “will call you in 24 hours” messages, finally decided to call the credit card company and file a complaint. Wish I had stopped by here before I ordered!

Anonymous said...

the only thing worse than online river is online river's
other business - budgetcard - maybe even worse,
avoid them like the plague.

christy said...

I have tears streaming down my face right now...both from frustration and laughter at reading your story as I'm listening to a bad rendition of classical guitar. Apparently they've had time to update their hold music, but not send my hole punch.
Amazing isn't it?...How a hole punch could be that debilitating to a new business. Thanks for the comic relief.

Onle River SUCKS said...

You are correct Online River IS the worst company in the world. They stole $1,500 from me. I was told to give them a credit card number just so they can put the order in and they would send me a proof. Once I showed the client and he signed off on it they would bill me and proceed with the order. Not the case! They billed me that night. I called up and some woman said that it was a mistake that would be cleared up...next week no refund. Called again, no answer, this went on for weeks, then months. I had spent hours trying to get in touch with them waiting on hold. I left messages to cancel the order we want a refund, no answer no refund. Just when I was about to personally drive down to CT to scream at them my co worker had a great idea. He called up saying that we had a huge project that would bring them easily 40 to 50 grand of product material. We wanted to go ahead with the process of setting up the new projects but there was that lingering project that was never addressed, we still needed our refund. Our refund was given that night, the next day they called us asking about our new projects and we told Online River - the worst company in the world to F* off!

Shawn Mattingly said...

I certainly wish I had seen this before ordering from OnlineRiver.com - The worst company in the world! It seems custom hole punches are one of the most difficult things to aquire! Whatever you do, DO NOT use OnlineRiver.com for your custom hole punch. After no email returns and no calls back, and no answers during regular business hours I went straight to AmEx and they took care of it. I really think that their credit card processing company would cut them off after enough chargebacks and refunds. Wow, what a horrible experience.

Robert said...

Worst company in the world, I to cancel them immediately but they had the balls to leave the 1,100 dollar charge on my credit card.. Fraud in the degree... Investigation.. Please... Shut this company down...

Anonymous said...

Online River. Com
We can stop this company!!! GO TO: ftccomplaintassistant.gov

I have the same problem with them. No Response.

Vanessa West said...
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Vanessa West said...

I ordered a custome hole puncher form these bastards and paid $115 for Next Day Air, only to receive an email from some obscure woman named Amanda telling me that the maple leaf I requested was no longer available. Mind you, I have a hole punch promotion that I needed a hole puncher for....yesterday! I respond with a request for a new symbol, and patiently wait. And wait. And wait. Card was charged the 'Next day Air' fee...and still I wait.
But this isnt where I want to poke my eyes out with a plastic fork. Not yet.

This is where: I finally call them. Lemme mention that I manage a medical marijuana dispensary, and had I known that what I was about to experience, was what I was about to experience, I wouldve smoked enough cannabis to not only get me through the experience, but to erase it from my memory for all of eternity.

I called wasimmediately placed on hold. I called again, and and again and again, and was confronted with options to leave voicemails for girls named Jessica and Sara and Amber, who all sounded no older than 19. I dont know what to make of that till this day. The first time I was placed on hold, it was for 17 minutes. Second time, 23 minutes. Then I thought, what if i select the option that will present me as a potential buyer, and not someone in need of actual customer service. I press '1', to buy something and I immediately get, what? A live person! And on the first ring. I tell her my issue, and just when I think she's going to help me, she says, "Let me transfer you to someone who can help you"....NO!!!! And there I am, back in the black hole of callers on hold, my ears assaulted with the loop of that obnoxious voice boasting the many services of Online fuck ass Rivers.

Next day, I call back, the phone rings once -- then silence. I call again. Silence. Again. 1 ring. Then silence. Where's the obnoxious guy thanking me for choosing Online fuck ass Rivers? Was he fired? My first thoughts are, Online River blew up. The building exploded, due to some accidental mixing of hazardous chemicals used to create the hundreds of thousands of hole punchers they churn out to the masses everyday. Probably not. Maybe they were shut down! Word of their less than favorable customer service got out, and the Better Business Bureau had no choice but to give them the boot. Naah. Never really happens.

Nonetheless, I got my hole punch a week later, after I ordered one from another company.

The sad part is, The hole puncher is sitting on my desk, in its enevlope, waiting to be returned. And everyday I walk into my office and see that hole puncher, a feeling of dread washes over my body. 'That hole puncher might NEVER get returned' I think to myself.

But today is the day. Today is the day I will find out of the Better Business Bureau stepped up to the plate...or not. I am going to call them right now....wish me luck.

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Andy said...

I bought 2 hole punchers from them. They said I'd have it in 3 days. It's been 5 days and still no hole puncher. I emailed them, called them for the past 2 days and no response yet. I looked at my credit card statement and they overcharged my credit card by $120 of the invoice. I called my credit card company and reported the transaction as complete fraud. I can't believe this! I needed the hole punch yesterday!

Anonymous said...

I saw your post before I ordered from the worst company in the world. I ordered from ticketpunch.com instead. Sounds like you saved me a huge headache. Many thanks.

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M382 said...

Wow - I am so glad I found this! Only a month out from my order. Filed complaint with BBB, cancelled credit card pymnt, and will order from ticketpunch.com - after checking it with the BBB. I'll never order from a new-to-me company online again without checking the company first!!!

terry said...

more of the same. been waiting for 10 weeks for my puncher. I was told that TODD @ x101 is the owner of the company. he sucks and onlineriver is the worst.

John said...

i have dealt with this company between Todd and Desiree and Robin and another guy Jay or Justin it has been my worst experience with customer service. Again i will never utilize this company again. my products came delivered wrong there time schedule has messed me up by being so late. Todd the owner never returns a call. Desiree makes you feel like you are annoying them and Robin never replies to any email or message you leave for her and Jay or Justin fits in perfectly as the company dupe. I have received my products with wrong size and design and no one will acknowledge.

Anonymous said...

I agree with you 100% I had 2 experiences like this with this company. THE WORST! Shame on me for ordering a 2nd time - I chalked the 1st order up to a fluke bad experience. Apparently not - as now I am 2/2 and apparently am not the only one. Great blog post.

Anonymous said...

I've been getting the runaround as well. I purchased 15,000 key tags... 10K in one order and 5K on the second order for a major US tire manufacture. You know how you have to pay up front?.... well I did over six thousand total out of my personal account. and I also paid the additional $500.00 for RUSH service. Surprise, the RUSH service didn't happen... it even took longer than the standard turnaround time. My client wasn't happy. So I requested may refund of the $500.00 because it clearly wasn't rushed, they said sure... that was August... I've called just about every week checking on the status... They told me the accounting manager was out... or the check was made out It just needed to be signed... Or we don't send out the checks out until the end of the week... or it was a holiday we promise to get your check out this week. I just got off the phone with them and they are "Emailing my tracking number" for my check.... Look I'm holding my breath.

Anonymous said...

As far as I know Online River and a company called Keytag1 do not actually manufacture keytags. I know this because they ordered them from my company. The reason many of you waited a long time for your orders is because they do not pay their bills. So we hold their orders until payment is received. We have since ceased doing business with both of these companies. Mike

Anonymous said...

I also placed an order through online River. It took 15 mins for them to charge my cc, 1 week for a proof & 3 weeks later I had yet to receive my order & there was always some kind of excuse when I called. Little did I know they were outsourcing my order... So I disputed the charges to my credit card & began shopping once more when I found www.IDSource.com. They are wonderful & they manufacture everything in house! I received my product when they said i'd receive it & still to this day remain a happy customer! As far as companies go in comparison, if Online River is the Worst Company in the World then www.IDSource.com is the Best Company in the World!!!