The Delivery Vehicle Diet

I've lost a little weight over the last five months. Fifteen pounds to be exact, and I've actually managed to keep it off. It started some fateful day in February when I enjoyed lunch at a Minneapolis restaurant wonderfully named "Chicken 'n' Waffles," which serves greasy fried chicken and waffles the size of Alaskan feral cats. I walked from that lunch to the nearest Life Time Fitness, bought a membership, and voila.

Sure, the real key to this modest success has been exercise. It's the first domino to fall, and without even thinking about it, you start to eat better, crave less sugar and listen to less conservative talk radio. But I have another secret, and I'll share it with you now.

No, it's not having lots of sex. I put that on the truck to mislead and ridicule you. It's actually this: Once you start thinking clearly about food (because of that exercise thing I mentioned earlier), you start realizing that the true structure of food is one of "drug" and "delivery vehicle." The next time you see "chip and salsa," think "pot and bong," "cocaine and rolled up c-note," "heroin and syringe."

It varies with the splendor of our multi-cultural, multi-personality, multi-faceted melting pot of a society. But for me, chips are a salsa or hummus delivery vehicle. Or, if there is no dip, they are really a salt delivery vehicle. In fact, most things at their core are salt, sugar, alcohol or caffeine delivery vehicles. They're just masked as "pizza," "juice," "cosmo" and "iced quad espresso." Conversely, an egg is a protein delivery vehicle and broccoli is an anti-cancer delivery vehicle. But that isn't as much fun now, is it?

Last night as I spotted middle-aged men raising their hands and saying "hi ladies!" to a herd of college grad females, I realized that bars are so eternal because they are combination alcohol, salt (chips and 'spin dip) and sex delivery vehicles--in their dreams. Some might argue that marriage itself is a sex delivery vehicle. (Bill Maher would argue that it's actually a celibacy delivery vehicle.) Las Vegas is a permissible-sin delivery vehicle. Branson is a music delivery vehicle, sort of. Paris is a romance delivery vehicle. Work is a money delivery vehicle. And delivery vehicles themselves... are John Malkovich.


As Neo would say, "Whoa."
Anonymous said…
But lots of sex is still okay, right?
The Wordman said…
congrats on losing 15 lbs. -- it's easier than one might think, with the right attitude.

I think you're on to something there with the "delivery vehicle" observation -- if you can distance yourself from food's gravitational pull ("I have to eat that now") and treat it as functional, you're on the way to losing weight.

my downfall is breakfast cereal, which we have boxes of since the Latvians were in da house -- cheap and easy meals, but also easy sources of sugar, carbs, and logy droop. I should chuck 'em all, or else banish them to the basement as emergency rations... but what harm can one more little bowl do?

I still haven't made my goal and dipped below the 200-lb. line, and I blame (in no particular order) George W., cereal, and stress.

oh, and maybe that exercise thing is part of the equation, come to think of it.
If any of youse guys are up for foresaid exercise, count me (non-competitional), biking, golf, bocce, let me know...
Anonymous said…
Ha ha ha! Bocce as "exercise." Ha ha ha ha ha!
You haven't seen how we "play" bocce where I come from. Blood rugby has nothing on it. Guys have lost limbs. Brutal.
The Wordman said…
do the balls have spikes that spring out or something, a la Rollerball?

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